Words can not explain how much you mean to me. When I first met you, I never would have thought you would mean so much to me. I remember seeing you on the bottom left hand side of my screen saying you spoke Spanish or something. And I remember clicking your profile because I thought you were cute. And I asked you if you wanted to be my pen pal but you said you weren't sure if us being pen pals counted for since we both lived in the United States. I enjoyed reading your about me and the more and more we talked the harder I fell for you. I couldn't help it but it just happened.
I opened up to you really quickly and you always seemed to genuinely care. You helped me through some of the darkest points in my life and I seriously don't even know what I would have done without your emotional support.
Lately I've been realizing that my feelings for you never left. I've liked you since basically the time we started talking. Maybe there were times where it seemed that I didn't but it was just because I thought that maybe I could get over you because you had a girlfriend.
This is embarrassing to admit but I was also desperate for affection. And one of my sisters always put so much pressure on me for making friends at school and would always call me out for not having friends at my university. For the longest time, I thought maybe a guy could help me find happiness. But last fall, when I took a Psych class actually, I realized that finding true and genuine happiness is really finding it within. I believe I have found it within myself. I mean, at least that's the way I see it.
I've also learned to love myself. Growing up, that was one of my biggest obstacles. Trying to love myself for me. I used to hate myself and hurt myself but now I take care of myself. I actually like what I see when I look in the mirror. And I feel that because I am able to love myself fully, I can finally let someone to love me if they desire to. And if I want to change, I have the power to change. That is why I working for my dream body. Even though I love myself, I want people to see me the way I see myself. I want to feel even more confident than I already do. And not to mention, I want to be healthier. I want to live a long and healthy lifestyle. But right now, I'm trying to fight my fat kid problems. Which I'm doing so day by day. I'm on my fitness journey. I don't know how long it'll take me to get to my goal weight but I've realized it's not a race to the finish, I'm ok with taking my time as well as taking my time when it comes to my education.
I've struggled with guys telling me in the past the id be perfect if I were thin. And I appreciate that you've never ever said anything about my body or my size. And I do appreciate as well that you've been supportive.
I'm not going to lie, I want to be someone's dream girl. And I want people to know that had some struggles and obstacles of my own that I was able to overcome.
It was just until recently that I realized that making friends at my university isn't a priority to me and that if people don't want to be my friend, then it's their loss.
I work in a dinning hall so all the people I have met who I would consider friends, they've been customers and I'll talk to them and that's how we've become friends. But I wouldn't really consider my coworkers at school friends because it's not like we hang out outside of work. We just went out on my birthday and that's it. I also work at an amphitheater and I do consider most of my coworkers there family.
Working at the Gorge Amphitheater really boosted my self confidence last summer. It's like my confidence skyrocketed. But overall, I'd have to say that you're the reason for me being the person that I am today. You helped me become the person that I am today and you helped me when I was feeling down and hopeless.
When I first met you, I was so insecure. I don't know if you have any of the pictures I sent you from when we first started talking but I have noticed that difference between the pictures then and the pictures now is my smile. You can tell that I'm genuinely happy in the pictures I take now.
It's been three years since we started talking and we still haven't met. I've been wanting to meet you for so long now but I've been afraid. That's why I keep putting it off. But like I told you recently, I'm super serious about meeting you next summer. I started cutting back on going to concerts just so I can go visit you. I've been taking the money that I would have spent and stashing it. And that's what I'm going to do between now and then.
Sanjo, you're always on my mind, and whenever I think of you, I just feel so in love and so incredibly blessed by the fact that you're in my life. And just writing this makes me tear up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. And whatever happens between us, I feel like I'm always going to love you because I feel that you'll always be my Sanjo Bear.